The 5 Love Languages

As one of the more popular books we will explore, Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages” is perhaps already familiar to you ... but as Seneca once said, “something cannot be too often repeated which is not sufficiently learned.” 

The basic premise of the book is that we humans have five different ways to express – and experience – love. These five “love languages” are:

Words of affirmation - Showing love through verbal appreciation, compliments, and encouragement.

Quality time - Showing love by giving undivided attention, engaging in meaningful conversations, and participating in various activities together.

Gifts - Showing love through thoughtful and meaningful gifts that symbolize appreciation and affection.

Acts of service - Showing love by performing various tasks that are helpful and ease the partner’s burdens.

Physical touch - Showing love through physical gestures such as hugging, kissing, and holding hands among others.

Chapman argues that each of us have a primary as well as a secondary love language, and it is essential we come to recognize what they are, and perhaps more importantly, what the love languages are of our partners as well. Otherwise, our communication, even when representative of our best and most loving efforts, will fall short, become frustrating, and possibly even hurtful. If, for example, my love language is ‘acts of service’ I may decide to express my love by taking out the garbage or doing dishes. If my partner’s love language is physical touch, though, all my expressions of love via service will be missed. She may have no clue I’ve been communicating with her, or worse, she may even think I’m ignoring her. I, meanwhile, may feel equally unappreciated, as not only do my acts of love go unappreciated, but also – in my mind – unreciprocated. After all, given her love language of physical touch and mine of service, I may be oblivious to her attempts to reach out to me just as she was of my attempts. We’re both trying to express love, but it’s as if I’m speaking Chinese and she Greek, and we don’t have a clue of what the other is saying.

To avoid this, Chapman suggests we learn both our own and our partner’s love language. One way to do this is to observe how people express love to others, as we tend to naturally give love in the way we prefer to receive it. Then, through communicating this information to one another, we will better understand how to demonstrate caring in the love language that most resonates with the other. 

The book’s insights are not exclusive to romantic relationships alone. Chapman also writes of the need to fill the “emotional tanks” of our children with love, suggesting that children often act out when this metaphorical tank is empty, as they are seeking what they think is love (but is often unhealthy attention) to fill it on their own. In this regard, he notes that while we all have preferences for a specific love language, a parent’s role should be to provide their children with all five forms of love, as the more fluent their child is in each language, the more well adjusted they will be throughout their lives.

Have a great week,

Ian

PS As with most things these days, there is also an App for this. It's called Love Nudge, and it claims to be a fun, habit-forming app that helps you intetionally express love in ways that are most meaningful to your partner. I have not tried it myself, so would love to hear abou anyone's experience with it.